Dear mother,

Dear Mother,

all is well here and I don't think I'll have to prolong my stay much longer. The nice policeman told me that all charges are dropped and that I am free to leave the country. That only left me with the task to prove that I am a really good improviser. So far I haven't really convinced them, but I think I nailed it this time.

In my session yesterday I told them that the secret of good improv is a cat. A cat loves everything she's doing at a particular moment. It doesn't care whether a Harold fails or not, it just is glad it was a Harold.

A cat can really be engrossed in details. Like, when it yawns, it can really yawn. It's whole body yawns, from spine to paws and it can be so good at yawning that a whole group of people can get distracted. Detailed yawning, that's where it's at.

A cat always reacts to the moment. When she sees a fly she goes after it without plotting, planning or worrying. The fly is an offer that she gladly accepts and she just reacts to the fly, not to anything that happened before.

A cat never asks "How did it go"? Though it is a very nice opening for a scene, a cat knows that the chances are hight that it falls in the question trap and leaves the imagining to someone else.

Then they asked me to improvise something on the spot. I told them that that might lead to Crazy Town, but they didn't care.

They started laughing when I told them I liked ordering sex-toys for the neighbours. They gasped when I told them what I had in store for Woody Allen. They cringed when I just called "scene". "Never do that again!", they shouted at me, "use a sweep edit or any old edit, but not that one!"

I got the impression that they started to fall for the lie that I am an improviser, mom, so I continued.

I pretended to be a smart lawyer. Also I boldly stated that I could see with my nose. "Oh yeah?", they sneered, "What's happening outside this building, can you smell that you wise nose?" I told them what was going on in front of the entrance and they were mesmerized.

And finally I told these police men that I knew them all very, very well.

That got to them, I think, mom.

That really got to them.

As soon as I am sure they really believe me my master plan is complete, mom.

And then... I can take over the world!


Muhahahahahaaaa

Your loving son.



PS. If you want to have something on your hands until I return, I suggest three things:

Write an intro that can be used for our show. Mail it to Rod and bring it to class on paper.

Write a poem in Guilty Pleasure style and post it on the blog. Rhyming not obligatory.

Write a character profile if you haven't done so already.

Love.

Introducing.... Wellness

Hi, I'm Wellness, and I like to be taken mysteriously.

Stan Borovski, night watchman

Kon Ni Chi Wa! That's what they say in Japan when they want to say 'hello'. I work as a night watchman for a big Suzuki-centre in Canada. They sell Japanese scooters, cars and other vehicles here. Stan is short for Stanislav, which is not a Japanese name at all.

At home, I watch martial arts movies most of the time. If my mum lets me, that is. My mum has a lot of pain in her joints, and now I have a job. I spend five nights a week in a small but comfortable office at the Suzuki-centre watching the screens (until my left eye begins to water again).

I was told that the camera's watching the Suzuki-centre have 'night-vision'. That reminded me of a scene from 'Silence Of The Lambs' (which is not a martial arts movie, but still pretty cool), so I said "Hey, I can do this". And in the office I would have my own chair, and my very own mug. Not true! It turns out that the guy doing the day-shift just sits in the same chair. And in movies, scenes with 'night-vision' are usually quite spectacular, but on the screens in my office nothing really happens. Although they change the camera-angle every five minutes. And my mug has the Suzuki-logo on it and is a bit chipped.

I decorated the decorated the wall behind the chair in my office with a very cool Bruce Lee poster. A week later someone had drawn a moustache over his face, but Howard says he hadn’t done it.

I want to go to Japan once. But my mum says that the food will be bad for my stomach. I did throw up once, when they had this special Mexican-flavoured burgers at McDonalds.

Fourth Session: Endow yourself with dr. Rod

Call me weak, call me naive, call me everything you want but I am seeing dr. Rod and you can't make me stop! I see dr. Rod on a weekly basis and he inspires me. And something is telling me I am not the only one who is seeing dr. Rod. Rumor has is it that at least seven other people are under dr. Rod's control. You think that is shocking? I am telling you in a few months time, dr. Rod is inspiring a 200 people's audience. That's how things go with people like dr. Rod. You want to know how dr. Rod is doing this? Well, take last's week session with dr. Rod. The theme of the session was ENDOWMENT. I never knew all the things endowment can do to you.

For instance, during my video confession session, when I am telling a story about my character, I can endow my character with special traits, with hobbies, basically with everything that is important to get to know this character. A NAME is only just the beginning.
After this self-orientated phase of the session, I was exposed to a second person and we played a scene. dr. Rod told us not to be nervous but TO TAKE OUR TIME and to FOCUS ON EACH OTHER, not on a third person not present in the scene. Also there the endowment theme came in handy as it made me say specific things about the other person, sometimes even about the smallest DETAILS of that person or its environment.

It was then I realized, I was not the only person under the influence of dr. Rod anymore and I saw with my own eyes what he can do to people. There was a guy that started to SING SONGS out of the blue. And not to mention this girl who loved to PLAY WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA and undressed herself in front of it. Luckily, when things really got out of hand we were saved from further embarrassment by the COMMERCIAL break.

What a session it was! I can't hardly wait to experience the next one. However, I first need to do some HOMEWORK. Got to create a profile of a fictional character in the blog. And...don't forget to endow it.

A savourer avec sa croûte

Imagine an enormous pile of unwashed socks. Worn by a person with the worst smelling feet ever. Or imagine this person taking off his/her shoes after a good hike in the mountains on a hot summer's day. Well, that is the smell when you open my fridge. Not every day, but on the days it harbors my "Chaumes".
My Chaumes looks like a thick and creamy postcard. Covered in a light yellow crust with a hinge of soft and hairy mold. Not too much, not too less, just enough to enhance its perfect flavour. My favorite moment is when I unwrap the paper from a fresh piece of Chaumes and cut it. The sensation of the smell is overwhelming, water is filling my mouth and I don't even consider a slice of bread. I eat my Chaumes 'unplugged'.....realizing only moments later that it wasn't just one little piece of Chaumes, but the entire creamy postcard.

Sue

ps: Somehow I expect Jean Paul Chaumes (see picture) to have Chaumes-smelling-feet.

A man with a mission...

Ta ta ta ta! Ta ta ta ta!

Sometimes when I get on my bike in the morning to go to my work, this tune pops up in my mind. A such a moment, my eyes become narrow, yet a faint smile plays around my lips. I quickly look into the street for any suspicious movements, first to the left, then to the right. I look up. Anyone ducking away from the window? No. I check my belongings. (my wallet? it is still there. my keys? in the pocket. my suitcase? right there, at the back of my bicycle, still filled to the brim with tests, notes and other not-very-interesting documents). I do this without looking though, just a touch will do, my eyes again fixed at the far end of the street. At that moment I think of my friends/colleagues, who - in other parts of the city - are about to be doing the exact same thing as I am. I trust these colleagues - Nicoline, Dirk-Jan, Jaap, Goof - we've coped with a lot of explosive situations together. Caught a lot of culprits. Yes, we've had quite a few narrow escapes, but in the end, victory was ours always. And today - no doubt - there will be another mission waiting for us. It is time. Determined, I start to cycle towards the Cartesius Lyceum. Slowly at first, but when I turn right on the Admiraal the Ruyter I quickly gain speed. And there's that same tune again. Ta ta ta ta! Ta ta ta taaa!

Third Session: R O D ' S R U L E S R U L E !

Where would we be without Rules? Our society… no, our civilisation… no, LIFE is based on Rules. From the moment our universe came into being, Rules have controlled all events and entities that ever existed. Therefore, Rules rule!

Some people are very good at Rule-making. Those people have a broader vision, a clearer mind, a sharper tongue than others. Rod Ben-Zeev is one of those people. He is able to draw a line on the floor - stop, go no further! If you are uncertain which way to follow, he will point with his finger. So fast that you will ask yourself ‘Where did the fingers go’. He is one of those bold men that order the men, who order the men, who order the men, who order the men, who order a poor immigrant cleaning the interior of aeroplanes. I worship him. I worship the hair on his chin! (And I admire his cleanliness as well…)

Other people are a lot better at Rule-following. I am one of those people. And you are too. Here are some of Rod’s Rules. Tattoo them on your arm (or more intimate parts of your body).

General Rules:
- don’t ask questions, but make statements!(exception: rhetorical questions, like the first sentence of this message)
- go into details! (e.g. talk about particular experiences)
- listen to one another! (and don’t babble)
- don’t worry about plot too much!
- (when you are on stage) just keep the scene going, don’t look for a moment to edit!
- (at the backline) be alert, with your mind on the scene!
- create all objects yourself (also lighters, clothing, etc.)!

Rules about characters:
- make your characters clear and consistent
- people at the backline, be aware about characters brought up in other people’s monologues
- don’t give your character a very difficult accent (unless your name is Tom)

Rules about the introduction of the show:
- just call our show ‘show’ (and not ‘long-form’ or anything like that)
- don’t go into details about the length of the show

Rules about the confessions:
- duration of confessions: approximately 90 seconds
- give yourself a name(if you forget to do so during your confession,there will be other opportunities,in fact, it’s never too late)

Rules mainly about the first part of the show:
- make it clear where you are
- make it clear why you are there
- it is tempting to stage your first scene in the location that was mentioned in the confession, but try to avoid that
- choosing different locations in the same area (e.g. a street or a village) might be handy for plot-making in the remaining part of the show (but also keep in mind the fourth ‘General Rule’)
- avoid too much negativity

Take care,

Mingus

Breaking the disgust-bubble

Oh, allright. I'll be the first to break the disgust-bubble. I am sure I am not the only one, but even among guilty pleasure sharing people this taboo exists. So here goes.

I like my own farts.

There I've said it.

Even the terrible ones. In fact, I like the terrible ones even more than the regular ones. I almost feel a bit proud when a particular disgusting one, with the undertones of an odour I am not used to, really persists in the room.

I like the smell, especially in bed, under the covers. Take a quick sniff and put them down again. Then I wait a bit. Then I take a quick sniff again.

I like their sound. Sometimes they're almost melodic little tunes. And sometimes they're just an extremely prolonged saxophone rumble. I like how their pitch tens to go up just at little at the the end of the rumble.

And don't get me started on bathtubs.

I K E A

I have never been ashamed of my Ikea-fetish. Even though people made fun of me, I always stayed proud of my continuing desire to go to Ikea, especially when I'm feeling down. Also the fact that all of the rooms of my house have gradually turned into Ikea showrooms, does not frighten me.

But things have changed.

Last Sunday I was in Budapest. Alone, because my boyfriend was rehearsing for a show.
I was in the subway making my way to the Danube river. Then it happened. I saw people with large blue Ikea bags. I suddenly realised there must be an Ikea in Budapest as well.

And, believe it or not, the thought crossed my mind that I could actually go and visit it.

I did not, of course. But the fact that I thought about it for the split second, frightens me. I think I need a self help group. Meanwhile, I will sit on our latest Ikea purchase:

Misinterpreting people

It's silly of me, I know. I sometimes like to misinterpret something someone says. On purpose. I almost always feel guilty immediately afterwards, however I don't seem to be able to catch myself doing it in time to stop myself. It's especially embarrassing when it concerns someone who doesn't spot me doing it, like my grandmother. She might say something like: "I met this gay person, but he was perfectly fine." I might say: "Unlike all the other gay persons you have met in your life?" She goes: " No no, he was perfectly fine. Nice guy as well." I go "ouch" inside. Hope I'll be able to face you guys tonight now I know you know this.

Windowshopping

Dear neighbour,

Sometimes I pass your house and look at your windows. Or rather, study your window. Curtains are significant. Not just the type, color and age of your curtains, but also if they are opened or closed at that particular time of the day. And if I am lucky there are stains on them. Grease, moisture or even a small drop of blood. Curtains are a good first impression. Then there are the objects in your windowsill. Pictures, flowers, small statues, a pile of documents, a cat. They reveal a lot about your life. Occupation, social standards, loves, desires. We are well acquainted by then. After that, all I need is just a glimpse of the interior, a hand, a bookshelf, an empty plate, and then I know. I know you, neighbour. I know you well. Hello...

C.

Second session: Tissues for Issues

Life can show us it's sunny smile and take away the most wonderful things we have at the same moment. (see picture from my last summers holiday) So after summer, many people attend self help groups.
Self help groups are there for people to help them realize that their not the only one in the world with a particular problem. And for those who have a problem so specific that it is impossible to fill a whole group with people with the same problem, there's Wednesday evenings now. Our self help group Tissues for Issues.
We all have different issues, but what we have in common is that we all long for something, we want something out of life.

Like Vera. Who strolls the parks, around the lake and back on high heels, looking for love. Welcome Vera!
And Coolman. Who wants to play the guitar but mostly talks about his friends who outsmarts everybody.
He sat next to John F. Goldman who wants to be a man with a beard and make love with a woman in front of his small mirror. But only tomorrow.
And then came Peter. He is so old he used to sail the world with Columbus but even more than discovering new lands, he wants to give.
And Maria. She wants to give love too to her son, but she doesn't show it. Instead of that she kicks him with the cask of her broken leg. She loves him so much.
And Oppenheimer who is constantly looking for recognition in the scientific world. All those magazines would do so much better if they would publish his theories about water as a multi purpose tool.
Welcome everybody. Welcome at Tissues for Issues.

Now that you are all members, it's time to introduce the rules of Tissues for Issues.

1: Never forget who you are, you all have a name. Use it!
2: Don't ask questions but make statements.
3: Be specific. A paragraph in our self help book about 'fears for Surinamese midgets who are called Stanley and live with their mothers' is more interesting than just 'a paragraph from our self help book'.
4: Place your objects towards the audience at any time. They can look trough your blackboard.
5: The truth lies in the details. So come up with details whenever you talk!
6: When we're in the confession boot we're amongst us, we can be honest, naked and vulnerable. But don't forget to hide your GP's when you're in the outside world. They won't understand. Wear your GP's under your skin, their our second layer. The people we meet when we walk out of the boot will provide us with a where and a who. The only thing we have to to is to act normal.

That's it for this week. And don't forget to support one and other by sharing new confessions and respond at others. Our power lies in our mutual recognition!